Stark
02-11-2010, 09:25 AM
_http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/18/science/earth/18family.html_
(http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/18/sc.../18family.html)
January 18, 2010
Therapists Report Increase in Green Disputes
By _LESLIE KAUFMAN_
(http://topics.nytimes.com/top/refere...ple/k/leslie_k...)
Gordon Fleming is, by his own account, an environmentally sensitive guy.
He bikes 12 1/2 miles to and from his job at a software company outside
Santa Barbara, Calif. He recycles as much as possible and takes reusable bags
to the grocery store.
Still, his girlfriend, Shelly Cobb, feels he has not gone far enough.
Ms. Cobb chides him for running the water too long while he shaves or
showers. And she finds it “depressing,” she tells him, that he continues to buy
a steady stream of items online when her aim is for them to lead a less
materialistic life.
Mr. Fleming, who says he became committed to Ms. Cobb “before her
high-priestess phase,” describes their conflicts as good-natured — mostly.
But he refuses to go out to eat sushi with her anymore, he said, because he
cannot stand to hear her quiz the waiters.
“None of it is sustainable or local,” he said, “and I am not eating cod or
rockfish.”
As awareness of environmental concerns has grown, therapists say they are
seeing a rise in bickering between couples and family members over the
extent to which they should change their lives to save the planet.
In households across the country, green lines are being drawn between those
who insist on wild salmon and those who buy farmed, those who calculate
their carbon footprint and those who remain indifferent to greenhouse gases.
“As the focus on climate increases in the public’s mind, it can’t help but
be a part of people’s planning about the future,” said Thomas Joseph
Doherty, a clinical psychologist in Portland, Ore., who has a practice that
focuses on environmental issues. “It touches every part of how they live: what
they eat, whether they want to fly, what kind of vacation they want.”
While no study has documented how frequent these clashes have become,
therapists agree that the green issue can quickly become poisonous because it is
so morally charged. Friends or family members who are not devoted to the
environmental cause can become irritated by life choices they view as
ostentatiously self-denying or politically correct.
Those with a heightened focus on environmental issues, on the other hand,
can find it hard to refrain from commenting on things that they view as
harmful to Earth — driving an oversize S.U.V., for example.
Sandy Shulmire, a psychologist who lives in Portland, confesses that when
she is visiting her sister in Abita Springs, La., she cannot resist bugging
her about not recycling her plastic and cardboard, even though she knows
she will be perceived as “bossy.”
Cherl Petso, an editor of an online magazine who lives in Seattle, says
trips to visit her parents in Idaho can be “tense at times,” in part because
she and her mother interpret each other’s choices as judgmental.
If Ms. Petso prepares a _vegan_
(http://topics.nytimes.com/top/refere...jects/v/vegani...) meal for
the family, her parents prepare hot dogs to go alongside. Her parents serve
on throwaway Styrofoam plates; she grabs a plate that can be cleaned and
reused. Her mother, who says she prefers the way food tastes when it is served
on Styrofoam, notes that washing dishes has its own environmental costs.
Linda Buzzell, a family and marriage therapist for 30 years who lives in
Santa Barbara and is a co-editor of “Ecotherapy: Healing with Nature in Mind,”
cautions that the repercussions of environmental differences can be
especially severe for couples.
“The danger arises when one partner undergoes an environmental ‘waking up’
process way before the other, leaving a new values gap between them,” Ms.
Buzzell said.
Changing the family _diet_
(http://health.nytimes.com/health/gui...od-guide-pyram...) because of
environmental concerns can be particularly loaded, Ms. Buzzell added. She
warns wives and mothers not to move a family toward _vegetarianism_
(http://topics.nytimes.com/top/refere...jects/v/vegeta...
l?inline=nyt-classifier) before everyone is ready.
“Food is such an emotional issue,” she said.
Christienne deTournay Birkhahn, executive director of the EcoMom Alliance,
an organization based in Marin County that provides education to women who
want to have their families live more sustainably, finds that disputes over
how green is green enough often divide along predictable lines by sex.
Women, Ms. Birkhahn said, often see men as not paying sufficient attention
to the home. Men, for their part, “really want to make a large impact and
aren’t interested in a small impact,” she said.
That is certainly the case in her own marriage, she said. Her husband,
Kurt, an engineer and federal employee, sometimes seems to be baiting her by
placing plastic yogurt cups in the garbage or leaving the reusable shopping
bags in the car and coming home with disposable bags instead.
In the ensuing discussions, Ms. Birkhahn said, her husband argues that the
changes she is making may have a large effect on their lives but have
little or no effect on the planet. He fought every step of the way against the
gray-water system she installed in their bathroom to recycle water to flush
the toilet, calling it a waste of time and money, she said. The system cost
$1,200 to install.
Ms. Birkhahn said she found it hard to dispute his point but thought it was
irrelevant. “I am trying to be a role model for my son,” she said.
Ms. Buzzell suggests that couples can overcome such differences if they
treat each other gently. She advises partners who have a newfound passion for
the issue to change only a few things at a time and provide lots of
explanation.
“It is like exercise,” Ms. Buzzell said. “Take it slowly.”
Still, Robert Brulle, a professor of environment and sociology at Drexel
University in Philadelphia, said he had seen divorces among couples who
realized that their values were putting them on very different long-term
trajectories.
“One still wants to live the American dream with all that means, and the
other wants to give up on big materialistic consumption,” Dr. Brulle said. “
Those may not be compatible.”
Mr. Fleming, in Santa Barbara, said that he was not quite at that point,
but that he was drawing some firm lines.
He continues to make purchases on eBay — although he immediately breaks
down the delivery boxes and puts them in the recycling bin to “avoid scrutiny.”
And unless Ms. Cobb can make peace with his long, hot showers, the issue
may someday be a deal breaker.
“I like to see the water pouring down,” he said, sounding utterly
unrepentant.
(http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/18/sc.../18family.html)
January 18, 2010
Therapists Report Increase in Green Disputes
By _LESLIE KAUFMAN_
(http://topics.nytimes.com/top/refere...ple/k/leslie_k...)
Gordon Fleming is, by his own account, an environmentally sensitive guy.
He bikes 12 1/2 miles to and from his job at a software company outside
Santa Barbara, Calif. He recycles as much as possible and takes reusable bags
to the grocery store.
Still, his girlfriend, Shelly Cobb, feels he has not gone far enough.
Ms. Cobb chides him for running the water too long while he shaves or
showers. And she finds it “depressing,” she tells him, that he continues to buy
a steady stream of items online when her aim is for them to lead a less
materialistic life.
Mr. Fleming, who says he became committed to Ms. Cobb “before her
high-priestess phase,” describes their conflicts as good-natured — mostly.
But he refuses to go out to eat sushi with her anymore, he said, because he
cannot stand to hear her quiz the waiters.
“None of it is sustainable or local,” he said, “and I am not eating cod or
rockfish.”
As awareness of environmental concerns has grown, therapists say they are
seeing a rise in bickering between couples and family members over the
extent to which they should change their lives to save the planet.
In households across the country, green lines are being drawn between those
who insist on wild salmon and those who buy farmed, those who calculate
their carbon footprint and those who remain indifferent to greenhouse gases.
“As the focus on climate increases in the public’s mind, it can’t help but
be a part of people’s planning about the future,” said Thomas Joseph
Doherty, a clinical psychologist in Portland, Ore., who has a practice that
focuses on environmental issues. “It touches every part of how they live: what
they eat, whether they want to fly, what kind of vacation they want.”
While no study has documented how frequent these clashes have become,
therapists agree that the green issue can quickly become poisonous because it is
so morally charged. Friends or family members who are not devoted to the
environmental cause can become irritated by life choices they view as
ostentatiously self-denying or politically correct.
Those with a heightened focus on environmental issues, on the other hand,
can find it hard to refrain from commenting on things that they view as
harmful to Earth — driving an oversize S.U.V., for example.
Sandy Shulmire, a psychologist who lives in Portland, confesses that when
she is visiting her sister in Abita Springs, La., she cannot resist bugging
her about not recycling her plastic and cardboard, even though she knows
she will be perceived as “bossy.”
Cherl Petso, an editor of an online magazine who lives in Seattle, says
trips to visit her parents in Idaho can be “tense at times,” in part because
she and her mother interpret each other’s choices as judgmental.
If Ms. Petso prepares a _vegan_
(http://topics.nytimes.com/top/refere...jects/v/vegani...) meal for
the family, her parents prepare hot dogs to go alongside. Her parents serve
on throwaway Styrofoam plates; she grabs a plate that can be cleaned and
reused. Her mother, who says she prefers the way food tastes when it is served
on Styrofoam, notes that washing dishes has its own environmental costs.
Linda Buzzell, a family and marriage therapist for 30 years who lives in
Santa Barbara and is a co-editor of “Ecotherapy: Healing with Nature in Mind,”
cautions that the repercussions of environmental differences can be
especially severe for couples.
“The danger arises when one partner undergoes an environmental ‘waking up’
process way before the other, leaving a new values gap between them,” Ms.
Buzzell said.
Changing the family _diet_
(http://health.nytimes.com/health/gui...od-guide-pyram...) because of
environmental concerns can be particularly loaded, Ms. Buzzell added. She
warns wives and mothers not to move a family toward _vegetarianism_
(http://topics.nytimes.com/top/refere...jects/v/vegeta...
l?inline=nyt-classifier) before everyone is ready.
“Food is such an emotional issue,” she said.
Christienne deTournay Birkhahn, executive director of the EcoMom Alliance,
an organization based in Marin County that provides education to women who
want to have their families live more sustainably, finds that disputes over
how green is green enough often divide along predictable lines by sex.
Women, Ms. Birkhahn said, often see men as not paying sufficient attention
to the home. Men, for their part, “really want to make a large impact and
aren’t interested in a small impact,” she said.
That is certainly the case in her own marriage, she said. Her husband,
Kurt, an engineer and federal employee, sometimes seems to be baiting her by
placing plastic yogurt cups in the garbage or leaving the reusable shopping
bags in the car and coming home with disposable bags instead.
In the ensuing discussions, Ms. Birkhahn said, her husband argues that the
changes she is making may have a large effect on their lives but have
little or no effect on the planet. He fought every step of the way against the
gray-water system she installed in their bathroom to recycle water to flush
the toilet, calling it a waste of time and money, she said. The system cost
$1,200 to install.
Ms. Birkhahn said she found it hard to dispute his point but thought it was
irrelevant. “I am trying to be a role model for my son,” she said.
Ms. Buzzell suggests that couples can overcome such differences if they
treat each other gently. She advises partners who have a newfound passion for
the issue to change only a few things at a time and provide lots of
explanation.
“It is like exercise,” Ms. Buzzell said. “Take it slowly.”
Still, Robert Brulle, a professor of environment and sociology at Drexel
University in Philadelphia, said he had seen divorces among couples who
realized that their values were putting them on very different long-term
trajectories.
“One still wants to live the American dream with all that means, and the
other wants to give up on big materialistic consumption,” Dr. Brulle said. “
Those may not be compatible.”
Mr. Fleming, in Santa Barbara, said that he was not quite at that point,
but that he was drawing some firm lines.
He continues to make purchases on eBay — although he immediately breaks
down the delivery boxes and puts them in the recycling bin to “avoid scrutiny.”
And unless Ms. Cobb can make peace with his long, hot showers, the issue
may someday be a deal breaker.
“I like to see the water pouring down,” he said, sounding utterly
unrepentant.